Season 1, Episode 11

Sex Under Lockdown

…It’s getting real 

Host

Catalina Lawsin, PhD

About This Episode

Uncertainty and fear are at the core of the COVID crisis.   It’s during these times we focus on relationships the most.

Amidst this chronic stress our bodies are producing more cortisol, which can lead to changes in our testosterone and eosterogen levels — impacting our sexual wellbeing.  Changes to lidio, function -potency and lubrication, orgasm strength, pain– are all common changes to chronic stressors.  

During chronic stress, people respond differently when it comes to desire to have sex.  For some it can be like’- fuck no, whereas for others, it’s a fuck me plz.  No way is necessarily right or wrong, but if you’re timing’s off with your partner or you don’t have one under your roof- this could lead to more than sexual frustration.  

Sex connects us to ourselves and others.

Harnessing our sexual energy can regulate our physiological arousal keep us calm, more focused and surprisingly energized. 

Sex can be a great stress releiver.  The oxytocin hit can relieve tension, improve sleep and enhance feelings of safety- the primary thing your body wants to feel right now.

Today I want to address some common questions that have come up in my work as well as from some great followers sending them in.  I’ll start with those same roofers then the single-roofed

Top questions I’ll be answering:

For couples

Can I still have sex with my partner?

What if my partner may have COVID or does?

What if I don’t want to have sex, but my partner’s incredibly horny?

What if I can’t stand my partner, but we’re stuck with one another during this fucking crisis?

Are we having too much sex?   Fuck you! – Just kidding

For singles

Am I celibate?

Can I pick one partner to be my COVID CUDDLE Buddy? 

How can I meet someone?  

Sexting?  Skype sex – WTF, really???

How early is too early to start virtual sex?

Can I use sex toys and do I have to wash them?

Episode Transcript

 

Sex under lockdown it’s getting real.

Hi.

I’m dr.

Catalina Lawson and I’m a clinical psychologist specializing

in Sex and relationships.

And today.

I want us to talk about sex amidst this covid crisis.

So I want to take a moment to acknowledge where we’re at

in this crisis.

I’ve been noticing that a months my clients and my friends

and families that most people have are still either developing

trying to come up with their routine getting used to working

from home or shifts in their work trying to manage and feeling

overwhelmed still from taking care of kids or being at home

with They are Partners but most people have also kind of

shifted how they’re taking in news right now.

We’re about 3, depending on where you are three four weeks

in to this lockdown and it’s almost as if there’s this somewhat

of a calm before the storm not saying that anybody is super

calm right now.

There’s absolutely this Collective stress, but in this moment,

This is where generally after the initial stung sting or

shock of a major stressor like the covid virus.

It’s generally as you’re trying to find your new normal that

now the focus begins on relationships.

So are you noticing that you’re feeling a bit more maybe

horny or irritable and absolutely can’t they?

About sex the reality is that in time periods of chronic

stress. Our bodies very much differ as far as some people

may want more sex.

Whereas some people may be like fuck that I have absolutely

no desire.

That is the last thing I want the reality is that there’s

no necessarily right way to be right now when it comes to

sex or anyway, you’re wanting to connect with others.

But today I want to kind of talk about how both couples and

Singles can navigate sex am it’s this crisis.

So keeping in mind that sex and again, this is sex with other

sex with ourselves and when I’m talking about sex, I’m not

just talking about intercourse.

I’m talking about tapping in and connecting to your sexuality

connecting to your sexual self and actually harnessing that

energy right now.

Our bodies are under attack whether that be because your

ex She sick or because you’re you are experiencing this Collective

stress. So in this mode, our body is wanting us to teach

it and to tell it repeatedly this has to be done repeatedly

that it is safe.

Again.

The covid crisis is forcing upon us outrageous amounts of

uncertainty and fear and in situations like this.

Our body is craving predictability consistency.

and control so this is where we can actually look into our

relationships with ourselves and with others.

To actually try to gain some of that meaning we connect with

ourselves connect with our bodies look for opportunities

that we can control and get begin to actually be consistent

in our practice.

I think that this is actually a time where we can actually

lean in on our relationships and again our relationships

to ourselves and with others to actually get through this

together. So during this time of uncertainty fear and chronic

stress. It’s important to remind ourselves that our our sexuality

connecting with our sexuality and harnessing that energy

can actually be have a lot of health benefits right now that

can protect us and mitigate more fatigue can sex can give

us energy it certainly and again in when we’re talking about

actual a Trivedi pleasuring yourself self pleasure can definitely

improve your immunity.

It can also is a big stress reliever can help with your insomnia

and it can certainly actually relieve a lot of this tension.

And it certainly we’re an all not going to the gyms can be

exercised. So keeping that in mind when we’re thinking about

actual the benefits of sex right now because again, I get

it if it’s the last thing on your mind, so now let’s get

to some of the questions Questions that relate to both couples

first and then single people.

Okay.

So one common question I’ve received has from people who

are living together whether they be with kids without kids

is can I have sex with my partner and the answer is yes so

long as you are not showing any symptoms or have both perceive

yourself as having the covid it is again, of course, most

of us many people haven’t don’t have Aren’t getting tested.

So that’s not even that great of an indicator.

But if you both have been quarantined for the last three

weeks and you’re feeling pretty confident than absolutely

this is a time to lean in on your sexual connection with

your partner.

And again, if you are having more time take your time while

doing it explore different different ways of touching not

going straight to intercourse using some new toys again.

When washing your toys just as you would regularly, so washing

them for 20 seconds, just like we do our hands before and

after and and really using this as an opportunity to explore.

Okay oftentimes in couples who do live together time is a

big barrier and so realistically right now we got nowhere

else to go.

So even if you are working your not commuting or you know,

and again there’s lots of stress but This can actually be

a way for you to lean in on your relationship.

Now.

If you are think your partner has hat does have the covid

virus then again, this is where you need to actually quarantine

each other.

If you do have the space separate the bedroom separate the

bathrooms, if you’re in a one-bedroom, then very much particularly

in the cities, then give the partner who’s sick the bedroom

sleep on the couch give them food.

and what have them wipe off or you wipe off we’ll have them

wipe off the bathrooms after they’re using it trying to really

stop the spread as much as you can and again seeing those

as opportunities to care for each other opportunities to

not necessarily disconnect and and isolate but actually finding

ways to see the giving that see this as a giving seeing is

as helping that person with food as a And as the person who’s

sick as a receiving, okay, and then what a thing is is also

one question that comes up a lot is what if I don’t want

to have sex but my partner’s super horny.

Well in those cases realistically this is where it can be

very frustrating and when there’s a mismatch and and really

right now it can feel a lot of pressure to engage in Something

you don’t want to and I never recommend that our bodies don’t

want us to do things.

But our bodies often think when it comes to sex do have sex

and it means intercourse or don’t there’s lots of middle

grounds. So amidst this lock down try to find your middle

grounds, maybe if your partner is generally initiating more

Test try experiment with other things you might want to do

like massages or just kind of touching or caressing or or

doing different types of sexual activities and that art oral

sex or manual or playing with toys doing things that aren’t

just going straight to intercourse because again, I think

often times when we’re stressed our brains are going to be

binary going to think.

Yes.

No, Good bad have sex don’t.

This is where you can get creative and have a spectrum of

options. Even if you’re not in the mood to have intercourse,

okay, but again listening to what your body needs and what

your body wants.

Another thing is is on the other side of that is what if

I can’t stand my partner and now we’re stuck together, you

know, one of the things that’s been happening with couples

is that you’re working home together and you generally used

to go to work and have that space away.

So a lot of couples are kind of really taking their heads

out tearing their hair out and feeling very much cooped up

and and suffocated.

This is where it’s really important for you to one figure

out what your boundaries are how Your work what your boundaries

are around your work preferably trying to find a space you

can work again.

If you’re in a smaller apartment using headphones things

like that to actually try to give yourself some privacy going

on walks by yourself knowing that you need a little bit more

padding integrating more grounding throughout the day knowing

that you are a bit more on.

On and not on eating like more tense around your partner

give yourself more padding.

And then lastly a question couples.

Ask is are we having too much sex and this one I have to

say generally again.

If right now you are having like this sexual Renaissance

and until one partner is perceiving it as two prize problematic.

They’re really there isn’t a I ain’t too much or too little

it’s very very specific to the couple.

So here really it is is again connecting with your body and

figuring out is this what I want am I feeling pressure am

I feeling exhausted?

How is this working for my body?

Okay.

So those are some tips for couples.

Now I want to address some questions for single individuals

and if you are single as I am right now, you may be feeling

a bit frustrated and also very low.

And I think that that is a very common experience that many

singles are feeling because if you are single and particularly,

if you’re in one of the big cities, you are used to an active

lifestyle and filling your lifestyle with activities, whether

it be workouts or different community events engaging, you

know, a lot of right now that isolation actually is likely

worse. In any symptoms of our feelings of loneliness.

So now I want to talk about how as single person some of

the common questions that have been coming up.

So the first question for single people is with this lockdown

does that basically mean I’m celibate and the answer is unfortunately.

Yes, if you don’t already if you’re not living with a partner

already. Italy sex and kissing and meeting closer than 10

feet or and I’m still saying 10 because the numbers keep

on changing.

So I’m just being safe and saying 10 but isn’t recommended.

So unfortunately, yes during lockdown for singles new sex

buddies is unfortunately off the table.

Okay, that doesn’t mean that sex has to be off the table

just sex IRL in real life is off.

The table, okay.

Obviously you’d even if you are just thinking you have intercourse

and not touching each other the likelihood of even if you’re

taking it from from behind trust me, I’ve had all sorts of

patients ask these different things.

The reality is is that we know that this is a highly contagious

virus and so being mindful that even creatively that this

is just not the time.

So what can you do instead if you are single one first and

foremost just member get creative and when it comes to sex

and connecting with ourselves and others getting creative

about sex is really fun.

So definitely getting online and not just meeting people

through online apps, but going to Virtual meetups, there’s

dance parties.

There’s work out groups.

There’s pretty much most of the activities that are out there

that we have actually now particularly if you are in a smaller

town or a smaller City Now you can access them all over so

broaden your virtual Network.

Okay, and then while you’re meeting people one in these different

Arenas go ahead and maybe connect the way you’re connecting

by text but also start actually a lot of the apps have FaceTime

options where you can immediately just talk to them face-to-face

again. Most people are home right now, so they’re not as

busy. So take that.

Each step of just going ahead and moving from just texting

to to actually interacting and speaking in in real time.

Whether it be on FaceTime or again on by chatting and then

certainly beginning to get as you get comfortable with one

another. You know, I think that this is also a good opportunity

to want to be very clear about what some of your sexual needs

are and because you are far from each other this First opportunity

to actually be communicate clearly what it is you want and

how you can actually get that need met.

Okay.

So particularly knowing when you are comfortable engaging

in sexting engaging in maybe Skype sex or FaceTime sex, whatever

kind of sex it is.

Because we have this distance.

We’re not just relying on physical cues.

You actually need that communicated because you’re asking

somebody to engage in something with you from a distance.

So be mindful of where you’re at in your communication and

use this as an opportunity to practice it but certainly virtual

sex can be super exciting and then also keeping in mind that

for singles using this as a time to really focus on yourself.

Self-pleasure focus on harnessing your your sexual energy.

This is a great time to practice look into Tantra.

There’s some online workshops there.

If you have the time explore have Tantra days.

I’m about tonight.

I’m going to one myself.

So again looking for new ways to tap into your sexuality.

So that while you are trying to virtually connect with others,

you’re also using this forced soul.

Low time to actually focus on your own sexuality how you

can harness your sexual energy use it to fuel you use it

to actually keep your body strong and connected.

Those are all great things to do right now, and I’m just

wanting to make sure I’m covering it all so really as we

go through this crisis together, this is a time when I really

want all of you to lean in On relationships lean in on the

relationships that you have with yourself as well as others.

This is a hard time right now.

And we together we’ll get through this.

I hope that this was helpful.

Feel free to give me a shout outs or ask me any questions

or give me any comments.

I’m always open to them tune in every Wednesday for mice

x marks the spot episode and I hope everyone else out there.

Please stay safe.

Cheers.

 

 

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