Have you been asking how do I get what I want or don’t want when it comes to sex? Check out my video where I talk about some strategies that you can use to get what you want or don’t want when it comes to sex.
Before I continue I’d like to begin by acknowledging the whole Kavanaugh situation. It’s been very distressing. I know I’m not alone in this. I think our country is facing a harsh reality and we’re witnessing some of the primary reasons why so many women don’t feel they can speak up for what they do or don’t want when it does come to sex. I’m going to be giving a lot of different videos moving forward talking about consent, but I do think a lot of my work really is in empowering women and men to assert what they want.
How do you get what you want or don’t want when it comes to sex?
First and foremost, it all centers around communication. Communication is key when it comes to getting what you want or asserting what you don’t want when it comes to sex. Let’s talk about what you can do before, during, and after a sexual encounter.
Before an encounter, talking about what your expectations and desires when it comes to sex, particularly in cases where you are experiencing any type of pain, perhaps vaginal dryness or for men, if you have some anxiety or are experiencing premature ejaculation, opens an opportunity to really negotiate and also figure out where one another stands and what your intentions are for a sexual encounter as well as what some of your boundaries are.
Once we normalize this and get practice around actually talking before we engage in a sexual activity, this really paves the way for us to, when we’re in that sexual activity, just to enjoy it. To stay out of our heads and just really get in that moment. Some tips for how to talk about this. Again, before you get into a sexual encounter, if you’re in a long term relationship or even if you’re new, really finding a time to actually, where you’re not going to be distracted, where you have the space and you’re not pressured for interruptions or distractions, and really setting aside that time.
Preparing your partner by saying “hey, I have something I really want to talk to you about”, so that they feel prepared that you want to talk about something pretty serious or important or significant to you. Then try talking openly about your desires and boundaries. Talking, using ‘I’ statements and very much saying, “I would like this.” “I am concerned about this.” “I feel pain and think that we need to manage or try different things.” Using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you do this’ or ‘I want you to do this’ really focuses on your desires, your needs, and also, models for your partner that they can do the same.
When you’re having these conversations, it is okay to become emotional, to cry or to get frustrated. These talks are not easy. The reality is that most people don’t talk, particularly before a sexual encounter about what it is they actually really want, so the first few times you do this it is natural to feel nervous, it’s natural to feel a bit inhibited, so really take your time. Take the pressure off and should you become emotional, it’s okay. Pause for the moment, try to collect yourself, and take some deep breaths, and then keep going, because a bit of this is really just practice.
It is natural that probably your nervousness or your inhibition has been stopping you from having these conversation and using your voice when it comes to sex. Know that alright, the first few times may be a bit rocky and so taking it slow, practicing and practicing. Alright, now what about during the sexual encounter? This is where it’s really important to focus on using very simple straightforward direct statements of saying, “I like this.” Or, “It feels great when you touch me here.” Using your hand to guide them to areas that do feel good and are stimulating.
As far as asserting the ‘no’ areas, again, try to do this in a way that is, particularly in ongoing relationships, where you’re actually focusing on ‘Oh, I prefer this’ or ‘I like it when you touch me here’. Focusing on a more positive spin rather than a negative spin so that your partner doesn’t necessarily in the moment feel rejected or you also get your head out of the game by feeling a bit guilty of maybe how you’ve actually relayed your needs.
Because again, definitely during those sexual encounters, even though you have started does not mean you can’t speak up and get what you want, and assert boundaries if you feel uncomfortable. It’s really, really important. Even after that sexual encounter is another opportunity where you can with your partner reflect what did you like, what did they like, what worked, what didn’t, and you can begin to negotiate your sexual activities, and so you can highlight and actually process how things feel.
Focusing on the sensations rather than thinking of things as this was right, this was wrong, really keeping the conversation open. Again, using your ‘I’ statements of expressing how you feel, how something felt physically, emotionally, sexually, and really focusing on that. During the sexual activity, keep in mind you don’t always have to talk, sometimes you can also use a rating scale of how stimulated you are, and so as you’re building, building, building, you can say things like two, like for I’m at a two, I need to keep on building up.
Maybe you’re at an eight or a nine and it’s getting too close and you don’t necessarily want to climax so you want to prolong that sexual encounter. That’s where you can just say eight or put up your finger and say three or five plus eight, so finding different ways with your partner to negotiate and communicate that during a sexual encounter so that really the focus is on that sensation, being present in the moment, so that both of you get what you want and don’t want, and that it really is a shared experience, but again, keeping in mind that you are responsible for your own experience. Really using this as an opportunity to see how do you feel comfortable negotiating that before, during, and after a sexual encounter.
I hope that this was helpful for you and that you feel a bit more empowered and confident to actually get what you want, explore what you want, and also know you may not know and part of sexual discovery is that exploration and that the journey can be more fun, than the actual outcome. I hope you liked this. If you did, feel free to like it, share it, subscribe to my YouTube channel, or join my group site, Psychotherapy Without Borders on Facebook or check out my website at www.DrCatalinaLawsin.com. Cheers.